I'm writing you a a letter, a letter filled with my own story, so that you can hopefully see the reflection of your own story in mine.
It started about 4 years ago in San Francisco. As an entrepreneur, I had been struggling to create a business as a Health Coach, helping women get healthy and heal from their "issues". The desire to be successful and build my business was so strong that I was spinning into burnout, and in the midst of all the smoke, all of my fears of being unworthy or incapable started to bubble to the surface. Along with the insecurities (which were ironically what I was helping other women heal from) came some very specific physical symptoms.
I became incredibly sensitive to sound (not ideal when you live on one of the busiest corners in San Francisco), my body literally felt like it was convulsing on the inside when sirens would go by. I was sleeping with a sound machine, ear plugs and an eye mask, and still waking up exhausted. And unbeknownst to me, I started having a spiritual awakening in the midst of adrenal fatigue ravaging my body ... a really inconvenient combination. If you've ever experienced either, you know to the depths how utterly shattering these experiences can be on their own, let alone with them both competing for your attention.
I started seeing colors, not auras, but energies. I started feeling like I couldn't make it in the city, and I sought nature as much as possible. I was driving across both bridges daily to escape the intensity of the city. I would sit in meditation for hours that felt like minutes and I would see and hear beautiful things in these trances, but I had no idea what was actually happening to me. I had incredible energy surges in my body that made me feel like all of my inner circuits were being blown. I seriously wondered if I was going crazy. I oscillated between feeling like I had some magic within me dying to be realized and feeling like I was a crazy woman on the road to nowhere.
And while I was having these experiences, I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't create and at the end of the day, I couldn't validate myself for how hard I was working because I had nothing tangible to show for it. Eventually, the adrenal fatigue won out, and I had to move home to Colorado, even though I didn't want to. I didn't want to because moving home meant I had to admit that I was giving up on part of my dream. I had failed. I hadn't built my business. All of my hard work hadn't worked and I had to put everything I wanted on hold and move back to a city that was not where I wanted to be.
I spent the first 6 months literally just sleeping and watching the Vampire Diaries. I tried to learn how to snowboard that season (it seemed like a reasonable thing to do) and fractured my tailbone the 3rd time I was on the mountain. And at the time, I remember thinking, the universe LITERALLY just slapped me on the ass and is telling me to SIT - to rest, heal and wait.
At that point, I had no choice but to sit and wait. There was no escape. Socializing was limited, my energy was limited and it was a really fucking cold winter, so nature, my usual escape, was limited. So I stayed inside and I started to meditate. I cautiously started to explore elements of my awakening, and then suddenly a few months into it, I felt like it really was all too much and like I REALLY WAS going crazy, so I shut it off.